...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
