Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
