you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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