My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
tell your sister to shave her snatch
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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