Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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