Im at strip club and am horny
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
