Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
