I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
