My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Randomize
