Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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