Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
