what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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