More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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