I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize
