I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
where are my pants?
in the oven.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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