So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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