i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
did i walk over a car last night?
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Still dying that you shit outside
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
