I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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