I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
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