You can't motorboat a personality
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
