weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
