You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
im six kinds of drunk right now
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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