It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
