Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize