1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
