you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
