He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
