I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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