Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Randomize
