mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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