Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
