i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
