He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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