The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
