I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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