Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
