he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
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