He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
