zippers are such a cool invention
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
