If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Randomize
