Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
