i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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