Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I have surprise drugs for everyone
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize