don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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