she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
