i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
