The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
