She's JV to your varsity
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
