Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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