after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
