Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
