just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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