we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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