Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
