Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize