I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
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