Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
