I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
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