My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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