I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
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