I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
