Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
