I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
