In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Houston, we have a squirter
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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